Better Ed than Zed

by Dan Hodges

Dateline: 13.9.2015

Report No.: 675/43/E

Subject: UN Subcommittee 4A, “Causes, Effects, Lessons of Zombie Outbreak, Westminster, London, United Kingdom, 1 April, 2012”

Status: Secretary General Clinton’s Eyes Only

This report follows conversations with British Labour party survivors of the Zombie infestation that struck the Westminster area of London on the above date. In all instances the names have been redacted to provide anonymity:

Witness A: “…in retrospect, they’d been in amongst us for months. People like Iain Duncan Smith, Frank Field and Mike Harris were the first to be infected. But by the time anyone noticed it was too late. Obviously, Norman Baker had been warning everybody since January. But no one took him seriously…”

Witness B: “…who knows if we’ll ever find the specific cause. All we do know is that after the cuts we were totally unprepared. No army. No police. No health infrastructure. When David Cameron appeared on telly and said Andrew Lansley guaranteed a cure within in 24 hours, that’s when the panic really set it in. I’ll never forget the sight of Osborne being dragged off the treasury steps by that Zombie mob shouting “there is no plan B”. Just terrible…”

Witness C: “…obviously the moment we new it was getting out of control was at PMQs. When Nick Soames started that dreadful moaning nobody paid any attention. Clegg was sat there with a strange vacant stare, but again, nothing out of the ordinary. It was only when Theresa May took a bite out of Ken Clarke that people began to suspect something was amiss…”

Witness D: “…those first hours were mayhem. John Bercow standing on the Speaker’s chair beating them back with the mace. Dennis Skinner and  Lord Tebbit back to back in Westminster Hall, fighting like wildcats. John McDonnell screaming that the Zombies were engaged in  a legitimate protest against their capitalist oppressors, and deserved the support of all working people…”

Witness E: “…I was trapped in Victoria Street [British Labour party headquarters]  during the siege. It was horrific. They just kept coming up the stairs, wave after wave, with these dead, shrunken eyes. It was worse than agent’s night at conference…”

Witness F: “…look, there was some criticism of Ed at the start of the outbreak. But you have to remember, he’d only been in the job 8 months. This was his first Zombie apocalypse. He did OK. Sending out Lawson and Glasman to talk to them about the need for a progressive undead realignment and a £5 an hour unliving wage bought some valuable time…”

Witness G: “…yes, I’d have liked David to have been there, but he thought he’d be a distraction, and I respect that. So  a couple of people  claim the Zombie that tried to throw his brother off the terrace during the fighting was heard muttering, “this will teach you”. I don’t pay it any credence. It’s all ancient history…”

Witness H: “…to be honest we thought we’d had it. Everyone at Victoria Street felt abandoned. No one had promised help or told us anything about what was going on. Ray Collins and Alicia Kennedy fought them off for as long as they could, and even people like Jessica Asato and those Zentrum kids pitched in. But we were on our last legs when McCluskey, Kenny and Prentis came busting through the door. If it hadn’t been for them, it would have been curtains. Those thousand club members were nowhere to be seen…”

Witness I: “…I didn’t think we could hold them. They just kept coming down Whitehall, wave after wave. Undead Japanese tourists; tour bus reps; the guy who stands on one leg and tries to flog you the Big Issue. Then just when it looked like they were going to break through, Harriet, Yvette and the sisters appeared. If it hadn’t been for all women short-lists, we’d all be speaking Zombie. OK, Harriet demanding every other Zombie taken out had to be male complicated matters. But they arrived in the nick of time…”

Witness J: “…no doubt about the turning point. We were pushed back onto the steps of St Stephen’s entrance. Then suddenly the doors fly open. Who’s standing there? Ed Balls, Dan Jarvis, Alan Johnson, John Prescott and John Reid. I never thought I’d see a Zombie feel fear. They tried to get away, but to be honest, they didn’t have a prayer. I’ll never forget what Prescott did to that Zombie with the mullet…”

Witness K: “…the inquiry? It was a whitewash. But it didn’t matter. The public knew the truth. The next election was a foregone conclusion. “Better Millie Ed than zed”; “She needs a maternity unit, not another Zombie apocalypse”. Our campaign ran itself. When Gillian Duffy ambushed Cameron and said, “You can’t say anything about the Zombies – all those eastern European Zombies, where were they flocking from?”, it was over…”

In the aftermath of the attack, the left-leaning British web site, Labour Uncut, conducted a Twitter survey in response to the question, “Which Labour PLP member would best protect the country from Zombie apocalypse”. For reference, the results are included as  an addendum to the report below.

Ed Balls 13%

Dan Jarvis 7%

Ed Miliband 7%

Dennis Skinner 7%

Hillary Benn 5%

Hazel Blears 5%

Yvette Cooper 5%

Harriet Harman 5%

Huw Irranca-Davies 5%

Jim Murphy 5%

Dan Hodges is contributing editor of Labour Uncut.

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4 Responses to “Better Ed than Zed”

  1. The Future says:

    Witness L: “Dan Hodges, was able to survive though. He was off jumping a shark at the time.”

  2. Rob says:

    Nope. No idea what the point of this article is. *wanders off to find something interesting*

  3. SaneLynch says:

    Slow news day?

  4. CS Clark says:

    This was funny. That is, at least, an improvement. But I fear it won’t get the ‘great article, I thoroughly agree that Labour needs to return to its roots … serve its members … socialists … Stalin … raaargh HATE HATE HATE’ plaudits from the usual suspects.

    PS – fun as it is to imagine John Reid as one of the Scooby Gang, I can’t imagine him as anything other than the turncoat singer in Slither; crying as he eats the flesh of yet another single mother, weeping bitter tears for what he has become.

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