There’s been a lot of change in the Labour party of late – new people joining, new faces at the top and new language being used.
To help readers, Uncut has produced this handy guide to Corbsplaining, keeping you up to date with the party’s exciting new vocabulary.
Print it out, take it to your local CLP meeting and dazzle Labour friends and colleagues with your Corbsplaining skills.
Next stop, the NEC!
Assist members making their voice heard – Use veteran hard left organisers to corral a herd of £3 hipsters to deselect troublesome MPs.
Austerity – Any cut to public spending, of any kind, at any point, by any level of government. Does not include cuts to military spending, which are completely different and fine.
Britain – Socialist utopia with a progressive majority that opposes all austerity*
*Apart from at general elections
Burnhamite – A malleable substance that can bend and merge to form any shape required of it before ultimately imploding.
Corbynite – A rare and abstruse substance that destroys the trust of voters.
Campaign Group – A group of MPs who do not campaign but do tweet a lot.
Democracy – A vital part of civilisation, to be protected and supported at all costs*.
*Not applicable to residents of Iran, Russia, Donbass, Gaza, Lebanon or Venezuela.
Engaging in the name of peace – chillaxing with terrorists.
Friends – a neutral term that in no way conveys warmth or respect. What? Those guys? Sure, we had a few beers, high-fived a few times, played a short game of ‘Holocaust: fact or fiction’ and, yes, we hugged. But honestly, I barely know them.
Government – An oppressive institution that corrupts any who serve in it. Something that Tories, red Tories and imperialists ignobly aspire to run.
Hilary Benn – “A Benn not a Bennite.” Although quite happy to work for one.
Israel – The country that must-not-be-named, like a geographical Voldemort.
JC – Initials of both Jesus Christ and Jeremy Corbyn. Coincidence?
Jeremy Corbyn – Visionary. Genius. Cardigan-wearer.
Kinder, gentler politics – The practice of constructive and vibrant democratic protest. Features include shouting, “Red Tory scum,” and the generous gift of high-velocity saliva.
Livingstone – Combination of intellectual touchstone and jobbing recruitment consultant, finding policies and advisers for the dear leader.
Miliband – Previous leader of the Labour party, whose ideas were insufficiently leftist, causing the electorate to vote Conservative in protest.
Momentum – A spontaneous social movement, rising up to enact change in Britain. Not at all run by hard left organisers to deselect Labour MPs with absolutely no connection to Militant infiltrators expelled from the Labour party a generation ago.
Neo-liberal – Believers in the market. Known to burn villages, eat babies and join the parliamentary Labour party in order to propagate pro-village-burning and baby-eating polices.
New politics – What to call the absence of a party policy. Allows the shadow cabinet and the leader to hold opposing views without anyone looking incoherent or shambolic. Apparently.
Osborne – Cunning and evil manipulator of the working class’ false consciousness. Preys on voters by talking about their concerns in a language they understand.
The Prime Minister – What the leader of Conservative party is called until at least 2025.
The People – People who live in North London and/or work in the public sector.
Prior diary commitment – What you organise quickly just after the Labour party press office schedule a tricky interview.
people’s QE – The printing presses of the Weimar republic.
Red Tory – Honorific, often suffixed with the word “scum.” Applied to anyone in the Labour party who does not have a “Jez We Can” twibbon on their Twitter profile.
Smear – The journalistic practice of reproducing past statements by the leader and shadow chancellor, then asking them whether they still hold these views
Shadow First Secretary of State – A prestigious appointment to the frontbench. Definitely not a tokenistic afterthought.
Suit – the favoured attire of the paterno-capitalist class.
Tax avoidance – Magical source of unlimited funds which will be forthcoming following a “government crackdown.”
Trident – A three-pointed spear, which will be standard issue for all British forces as a result of vital cuts to defence spending.
Twitter – The voice of the people of Britain.
USA – Hotbed of evil. Source of global imperialism and all human misery. Answer to the question “Who’s fault is it?” whatever the context.
Vladimir Putin – Heroic scourge of imperialist oppression and enabler of freedom. Generously provides Russian troops to neighbouring countries to help make sure they are enjoying their freedom enough.
Watsonite – an unstable magnetic substance, irresistibly drawn to centres of power and liable to suddenly self-destruct without warning.
X – the mark voters put to the left of their chosen candidate’s name on the ballot paper. Unfortunately, there’s not much to the left of Jeremy Corbyn.
Young people – They who will propel Jeremy Corybn into Number 10, thanks to their famous propensity to vote in general elections.
Zero – the number of elections Labour will win before 2025.