The A-Z of Corbsplaining

There’s been a lot of change in the Labour party of late – new people joining, new faces at the top and new language being used.

To help readers, Uncut has produced this handy guide to Corbsplaining, keeping you up to date with the party’s exciting new vocabulary.

Print it out, take it to your local CLP meeting and dazzle Labour friends and colleagues with your Corbsplaining skills.

Next stop, the NEC!


Assist members making their voice heard – Use veteran hard left organisers to corral a herd of £3 hipsters to deselect troublesome MPs.

Austerity – Any cut to public spending, of any kind, at any point, by any level of government. Does not include cuts to military spending, which are completely different and fine.


Britain – Socialist utopia with a progressive majority that opposes all austerity*

*Apart from at general elections

Burnhamite – A malleable substance that can bend and merge to form any shape required of it before ultimately imploding.


Corbynite – A rare and abstruse substance that destroys the trust of voters.

Campaign Group – A group of MPs who do not campaign but do tweet a lot.


Democracy – A vital part of civilisation, to be protected and supported at all costs*.

*Not applicable to residents of Iran, Russia, Donbass, Gaza, Lebanon or Venezuela.


Engaging in the name of peace – chillaxing with terrorists.


Friends – a neutral term that in no way conveys warmth or respect. What? Those guys? Sure, we had a few beers, high-fived a few times, played a short game of ‘Holocaust: fact or fiction’ and, yes, we hugged. But honestly, I barely know them.


Government – An oppressive institution that corrupts any who serve in it. Something that Tories, red Tories and imperialists ignobly aspire to run.


Hilary Benn – “A Benn not a Bennite.” Although quite happy to work for one.


Israel – The country that must-not-be-named, like a geographical Voldemort.


JC – Initials of both Jesus Christ and Jeremy Corbyn. Coincidence?

Jeremy Corbyn – Visionary. Genius. Cardigan-wearer.


Kinder, gentler politics – The practice of constructive and vibrant democratic protest. Features include shouting, “Red Tory scum,” and the generous gift of high-velocity saliva.


Livingstone – Combination of intellectual touchstone and jobbing recruitment consultant, finding policies and advisers for the dear leader.


Miliband – Previous leader of the Labour party, whose ideas were insufficiently leftist, causing the electorate to vote Conservative in protest.

Momentum – A spontaneous social movement, rising up to enact change in Britain. Not at all run by hard left organisers to deselect Labour MPs with absolutely no connection to Militant infiltrators expelled from the Labour party a generation ago.


Neo-liberal – Believers in the market. Known to burn villages, eat babies and join the parliamentary Labour party in order to propagate pro-village-burning and baby-eating polices.

New politics – What to call the absence of a party policy. Allows the shadow cabinet and the leader to hold opposing views without anyone looking incoherent or shambolic. Apparently.


Osborne – Cunning and evil manipulator of the working class’ false consciousness. Preys on voters by talking about their concerns in a language they understand.


The Prime Minister – What the leader of Conservative party is called until at least 2025.

The People – People who live in North London and/or work in the public sector.

Prior diary commitment – What you organise quickly just after the Labour party press office schedule a tricky interview.


people’s QE – The printing presses of the Weimar republic.


Red Tory – Honorific, often suffixed with the word “scum.” Applied to anyone in the Labour party who does not have a “Jez We Can” twibbon on their Twitter profile.


Smear – The journalistic practice of reproducing past statements by the leader and shadow chancellor, then asking them whether they still hold these views

Shadow First Secretary of State – A prestigious appointment to the frontbench. Definitely not a tokenistic afterthought.

Suit – the favoured attire of the paterno-capitalist class.


Tax avoidance – Magical source of unlimited funds which will be forthcoming following a “government crackdown.”

Trident – A three-pointed spear, which will be standard issue for all British forces as a result of vital cuts to defence spending.

Twitter – The voice of the people of Britain.


USA – Hotbed of evil. Source of global imperialism and all human misery. Answer to the question “Who’s fault is it?” whatever the context.


Vladimir Putin – Heroic scourge of imperialist oppression and enabler of freedom. Generously provides Russian troops to neighbouring countries to help make sure they are enjoying their freedom enough.


Watsonite – an unstable magnetic substance, irresistibly drawn to centres of power and liable to suddenly self-destruct without warning.


X – the mark voters put to the left of their chosen candidate’s name on the ballot paper. Unfortunately, there’s not much to the left of Jeremy Corbyn.


Young people – They who will propel Jeremy Corybn into Number 10, thanks to their famous propensity to vote in general elections.


Zero – the number of elections Labour will win before 2025.

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50 Responses to “The A-Z of Corbsplaining”

  1. Michael says:

    The hard left have control of the top and therefore the direction of the party. Those on the soft left have to try to support Corbyn as much as they can and wait to see his ideas be tested at the ballot box or be blamed for any defeat thus perpetuating the internal struggle. Only the day after a stunning defeat/victory in 2020 will either side realise that the other has a better understand of what the British public actually believe and vote for.

  2. Tafia says:

    Use veteran hard left organisers to corral a herd of £3 hipsters to deselect troublesome MPs.

    After reading that at the start of your alphabet of total bollcks, I quickly realised this was thw writinbgs of a cockwomble.

    How exactly do the three quidders deselct MPs – they can’t.

    And it goes down hill from there.

  3. What a sad post. Looks like Labour Uncut is going down the tubes.

  4. Robboh says:

    Amusing for the toffs who read the daily torygraph. Go post it on their website.

  5. Robboh says:

    Fuck this blog actually. You are tory scum.

  6. Janice says:

    Cruel, funny, but just a little bit too close to the truth for comfort. The madness will end, the Corbynites will probably burn out at some point. A lot of them are quite old, and the dear leader himself is 66 so his new career can only be relatively short, they can’t keep this up indefinitely.

    But who knows the extent of the damage done while realistic people wait for the restoration of some sanity.

  7. John Reid says:

    Lol. Although,it wint convince anyone,and it would be better to have serious argument with, those who disagree, and seems pointless

  8. Matt says:

    Get in line, splitters.

  9. Robert says:

    This is a classic case of people in glass houses should not throw stones. It would be better to consider why Liz Kendall got hardly any votes.

  10. Dave Branwood says:

    What absolute tosh… It is plain to see that we will be out of power until at least 2030 not 2025.

  11. Rallan says:

    $irreversible_split = (($this->article / $this->comments) + $left_momentum) * years(1.5);

  12. MilibandVaroufakis says:

    Whoever wrote this knew it was so bad that they didn’t have the bollocks to put their name on it.

  13. Lefty Malone says:

    Goodness. The lengths some Tory entryists go to in an attempt to write “humorous” political articles……..

  14. Bob says:

    Missed out P is for purge and just just your bowels.

  15. RedPedant says:

    Miliband only has one L in the middle not two

  16. David says:

    Very very funny!

  17. Jonathan says:

    “people’s QE – The printing presses of the Weimar republic.”

    Just grow up

  18. Matthew says:

    This is truly awful. Regardless of what you think of Corbyn, it’s unhelpful and worse – really unfunny. Didn’t realise Labour Uncut was at this level.

  19. John R says:

    Well, I thought it was funny in a bittersweet way. I don’t think the author would’ve used the term “£3 hipster” if Liz Kendall had won though. It would have been “£3 pragmatist” or something like that.

    I was one of the “purged”. I paid my £3 and, without being given a reason, denied a vote, twice actually. Two days before the closing date I was informed by Kat Buckingham at Labour HQ I’d get a vote. Then, three and a half hours after (yes, after) the voting closed, the vote was withdrawn again.

    There’s been an automatic assumption among friends, family and countrymen that I am therefore of a Corbynista viewpoint. It’s not so. Tbh, in the two days I thought I had the vote, I didn’t know who to vote for. I now realise they were all pretty useless when it comes to the key question of who can offer a viable alternative to the present Government.

    The Labour Right pushed for the extension of the ballot and then got their knickers in a twist when the wrong type of voter signed up. The machine then started the “purge” without giving people the chance to defend themselves against unseen evidence. In other words, a complete cock up of organising an internal election. It only helped the Corbyn margin of victory though.

    So now Labour have Corbyn and McDonell at the head of the Party. Their previous expressions of sympathy for the IRA, Hamas and Hezbollah are categorised as a “smear” by many Corbyn supporters. Sorry but you’re just wrong. These expressions of sympathy are why the likes of John Rees (Stopper, ex-SWP CC) describes Corbyn as an anti-imperialist. Anyway, I would’ve thought support for “anti-imperialist” organisations would have been seen as a badge of honour among the Left rather than a smear.

    So, there we have it. A Labour Right who couldn’t organise an internal election without trying (and failing) to fix it. A Labour Left who are embarrassed about previous statements by their leader of support for organisations who are, let us say, not mainstream causes.

    As for me, I’ve paid my tenner to Labour under the Data Protection Act to find out the reason I was denied a vote. I’ve no intention, at the moment, of applying to join an organisation who have called me a “cheat and infiltrator”. There are better things I can do with my time like help my kids with their education to prepare for ten or more years of Tory rule.

    When I said to a couple of my Corbyn sympathising friends and neighbours over the weekend that I thought we’d have that period of Tory Govt, they looked at me aghast. It was like telling a group of three year olds that Santa didn’t exist and then nicking their sweets.

    I notice a similar reaction in some of the comments above.

  20. Twinkle says:

    I did read that Corbyn won with a huge Man Date but there is no mention of who (or should it be whom) this other person actually is.

  21. william says:

    As a fully paid up member of ‘Tory Scum’, the fact that Labour Uncut can put up a humorous and accurate account of the situation shows that a Damascene conversion and electoral victory for Labour in 2020 is NOT implausible. There will be an economic downturn before then: the cycle was not abolished. The Tory Scum leadership will be discredited, by the EU referendum, whichever way it goes. There will be a new, untrusted leader of Tory Scum, before 2020. There will be an unpredictable political event before 2020, which will damage the government. The Scots may wake up to the fact, one day, that the SNP is incompetent, to put it mildly.The Tory Scum lesson is the revival of a party that LOST two elections in 1974, but still acquired a new discipline to win 5 years later. There is a need for a plausible alternative government, n’est ce pas?

  22. John says:

    Good article, it convinced me of the point it was trying to prove. Will share on social media and get a #movement going.

  23. bert says:

    Utterly cruel, hilarious and truthful all in one go.

  24. JimCarter says:

    I voted for Corbyn (though I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really what he claims) and enjoyed this very much. Sad that so many in the party seem to have such a humour deficit.

  25. Robbie says:

    This is really funny, insightful and productive. I wish I was this clever.

  26. anosrep says:

    This is almost as funny as a textbook on company law.

  27. George S says:

    Kinder, gentler politics – The practice of constructive and vibrant democratic protest. Features include shouting, “Red Tory scum,” and the generous gift of high-velocity saliva (as approved by Zoe Williams of the guardian). Also encourages you to threaten to rape someone if you disagree with their politics.

    Watsonite – an unstable magnetic substance, irresistibly drawn to centres of power and liable to suddenly self-destruct without warning. See also Smear and abuse of parliamentary privilege.

    Twitter – The voice of the people of Britain. as heard in a echo chamber

  28. JAC says:

    Momentum creates problems for the far left ersatz Bolsheviks’ organisations recruitment drives. Why join tiny organisations when there’s a mainstream alternative? This new membership is not going to be using Leninism etc. They’re far more diverse and without ideological baggage.

  29. Jen The Blue says:

    Brilliant article….. it almost had me feeling sorry for my Labour opponents….. almost!

  30. Article 38 says:

    Very good – but what’s even better is that Labour is absolutely f***ed for the foreseeable future. Good luck getting a majority in 2030, let alone 2025 with your current shambolic collection of Trots and weirdos. Only hope for the reality-based is that this is plenty of time for a new sane, mainstream social democratic party to emerge.

  31. Stu says:

    Miliband – Previous leader of the Labour party, whose ideas were insufficiently leftist, causing the electorate to vote Conservative in protest.

    Excellent article and good fun to read, in particular the above encapsulates the delusion of Corbyns supporters.

  32. Des Clarke says:

    I find it strange (& amusing) that so many genuine left wingers were barred from voting in the leadership election & often for no apparent reason. I signed up & paid my £3.00 without any difficulty, however, I am a UKIP voter who wanted to see JC elected. I have to say that it is the best £3.00 I have ever spent!
    His ineptitude exceeds my wildest expectations! This opens up some great opportunities for UKIP to make progress in working class seats in the midlands & north.
    The vest man (for people who loathe Labour) is a gift from the gods.

  33. Sean says:

    Every right-wing article (and comment) posted on Labour Uncut – including this seemingly and gutlessly anonymous piece – merely serves to add weight to the absolute necessity to drive the Tory wing of the Labour Party OUT of the LP. Let us hope we have the momentum to do that. Let’s get on with it!! This Tory wing should do the honourable thing like Reg Prentice did in the 70s : and join the party where they truly belong. The Party of Thatcher, Gove, May and Cameron (and, of course, the party to which the ‘at large’ war criminal really belongs.)

  34. paul barker says:


  35. WHS says:

    U for U-turn: No such thing. We will never ever vote with the evil Tories, now just forget what McDonnell said the other week.

  36. WHS says:

    Tory scum: Anyone who shows as much loyalty to the leader of the Labour Party, as he showed prior to his election to the leadership.

  37. Adam Hyde says:

    this is absolutely brilliant. I’d add a few though

    B for BLiar- a closet Tory that never won an election and whose insight is a big evil conspiracy

    F for Flying Pigs- what we’ll need to see over Westminster before this new kinder politics actually gets kinder.

    P for Purge- when the party stops members of other parties trying to sabotage an internal election*

    *not to be confused with de-selections, which are a useful tool to make sure of Labour’s ideological purity

  38. john P reid says:

    Robert,one reason Kendall got hardly any votes was some of Corbyns team set up a face book page,Kendall for tory leader, telling her to get her tits out,and there were comments on twitter by corbyn supporters calling for people to rape the Nazi bitch

  39. john P reid says:

    sean so you want momentum to oust sitting labour MPs in the 70’s like Militant did, well tell me it took 11 and a half years after Kinnock bravely took on Militant for labour to win again, had Benn won the deputy leadership labour would never have recovered and we’d have been destroyed completely within 50 years

    twinkle,heres one to be added

    half of one percent- the amount of the electorate who voted for,corbrn to be leader as in two hundred thousand

  40. Madasafish says:

    I think many posters are misguided at best and totally wrong at worst. Mr Corbyn has appointed a far seeing Shadow Chancellor in John McDonnell who makes George Osborne look like the spineless effete and overspending incompetent he is.

    When Jeremy Corbyn wins the next General Election as a result of the gross over – borrowing of the Tories, John McDonnell will grasp the reigns of power and put our finances on a stable footing.People will wonder how the Tories managed to give all these companies hundreds of billions of pounds in tax relief and no-one recognised it.

    With a new man at the controls, taxes on corporate tax dodgers will intensify and the state will achieve a balanced budget despite welfare spending being uncapped and immigration unrestricted.

    Poverty, discrimination and sexism will be abolished, the banks nationalised and everyone will have freedom to spend their money as they like. – apart from bankers who will be jailed.. Political opponents will be re-educated and realise the error of their ways by working for nothing, rescuing the rich from the perils of champagne and caviar.

    The Scots will repent and throw out the SNP , replacing the interlopers with the Labour MPs ousted in an aberration in 2015. Labour will take Tatton – George Osborne’s seat – with a landslide. The thousand year age of Labour hegemony will start in 2020.

  41. Brosef Stalin says:

    I’ve never read anything half as arse devastated in my life. Clearly the author was trying to be scathing, but this just comes off as passive-aggressive sniveling bitchiness.

  42. WHS says:

    @madasafish: McDonnell has shown up Osborne, etc etc. Why do you make me think…

    “We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there.”

  43. Dave K says:

    I love it how folk are angry at this. The author should have added an extra “H”in the alphabet.

    “Humour – Something enjoyed by Red Tory scum and others who don’t take everything 100% seriously every minute of every day because the New Politics is no laughing matter”.

  44. Sean says:

    P is for propaganda. The anti-socialist slant and spin which the broadcasting media like the BBC and ITN pump out daily in order to warp people’s minds towards accepting the capital order.

    W is for War Criminal. The Labour Party was led by one from 1997 to 2008. He remains at large because – like his fellow War Criminal Henry Kissinger – he is protected by the state powers of the capitalist order.

    E is for Entryist. Many of the Tory variety in the ranks of the Labour Party. This entry is followed by F for fuck off back to where you belong.

  45. James McClellan says:

    Possibly the best piece of political satire I’ve ever read, and I’ve commented, and shared, to the same effect elsewhere. Interesting and instructive to note the, erm, patchy responses in this thread to your excellent jeu d’esprit. Declaration of interest: I’d never voted [at General Elections] anything but Labour in my entire life until the last one. Then, I voted Tory without blinking an eye. So did my wife, and two best friends. And until YOUR brand of common sense prevails once more within the party, so mote it be!

  46. Madasafish says:

    WHS – I could hardly keep a straight face when I wrote it.

  47. John P Reid says:

    T is for Trotskyite,sean

  48. 640TAG says:

    Pretty damn funny. And the perfect expose of what a po-faced bunch of humour by-passed muppets constitute the Corbynista, Hurry back to the real world, Labour, so we have a pragmatic alternative if we wish to dump the Tories next time. I do not want a one party state, thankyou very much.

  49. Jon Newman says:

    Blairites may hate Corbynistas but we are the ones defending their record whilst they abstain.

  50. Will says:

    There is a huge irony that is lost on ‘moderate’ labour supporters. The proposed dogma is… if you lose an election based on left right pre-conditions, you wont win in future without compromise towards the opposing side. Simple. (Lets ignore how the Lib Dems imploded and the SNP landslide, Just Nationalism, yea ok?)

    So with this in-effect, could somebody explain to me how the ‘moderates’ have any chance in the future of democratically taking back the Labour leadership in the future? Especially without conceding huge ground to the left. (And we ain’t talking 27% Burnham)

    Or is the prevailing dogma just a lot of rubbish, which if so, completely renders the ‘moderates’ zealot like assertion that Corbyn is unelectable, nonsense.

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