Can Ed and Nigel do a coalition deal?

by Kevin Meagher

Did I hear that right? Nigel Farage is offering to form a coalition with Labour after the next general election. He referred to it as “doing a deal with the devil” to be sure, but I’m still ringing out my lug ‘ole in disbelief.

But hold on a minute. Think about it. UKIP only have two policies, both of which Labour half supports already. The first is a referendum on the EU (which might seem a no-brainer if May’s European elections are a bit icky) and a reduction in immigration (which, again, Labour can live with).

Beyond that, well, there’s not much else. There’s a great big purple haze where there should be ideas. As a political party, UKIP are the equivalent of an empty pint glass.

Whisper it, but they’re absolutely ideal coalition partners. I know, there would be the occasional bit of eye-rolling in Cabinet at some of their loopy suggestions, but they’re not really interested in policy.

And for that matter, they’re not much good at politics either. I know the Tories are quaking at the prospect of what they’ll do to them next May, but take the recent Wythenshawe by-election. Nigel Farage said it was “as dirty as they come” because some people on a poor Manchester council estate had a go at them and Labour got in early with the postal vote sign-ups while Farage’s troops were still trying to find somewhere to park their Range Rovers.

All in all, I reckon post-election negotiations would be pretty easy for Labour:

Ed: “Okay Nigel, we seem to have the basis on an understanding, but what else are you looking for?”

Nigel: “Well there are some issues our members feel very strongly about Ed and we want to see action on them.”

Ed: “Such as?”

Nigel: “Well, there’s education for a start. We want teachers to wear mortar boards.”

Ed: “Mortar boards?”

Nigel: “Yes. Oh, and we want more black and white films too.”

Ed: “To be shown in schools?”

Nigel: “No, to be made.”

Ed: “Er, what else?”

Nigel: “Well, there’s implementing our pledge card.”

Ed: “Okay…just remind me what was on it?”

Nigel: “Very straightforward. Free mini tonic bottles with every double. Brass blazer buttons for all. Marching military bands to have right of way on dual carriageways. Jacket handkerchiefs to be worn – or ‘sported’ – by all men over 21. And women to be referred to as ‘ladies’ unless they’re especially pretty in which case they are simply wolf-whistled at…”

Ed: “Just a minute Nigel, I’ve got Nick on the other line…”

Kevin Meagher is associate editor of Labour Uncut

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12 Responses to “Can Ed and Nigel do a coalition deal?”

  1. Paul says:

    I wonder if you get a better reception to this idea than I did when raising the idea of early pragmatic discussions with the Libs at a recent Progress event. At least with UKIP there is little chance the need will arise, so lack of planning won’t be such a handicap…

  2. Robert says:

    I agree Paul. Labour should be thinking about what to do if any of the possible results happen in 2015. The only straightforward ones would be a Conservative majority or a big Labour majority. Both seem unlikely.

  3. uglyfatbloke says:

    The glibs may not have enough MPs to make a real difference. It’s possible they may hang on very well and still have 40-ish MPs…it’s also quite possible they will end up with a rump of a dozen or so of the better known ones.

  4. swatantra says:

    Therre is no way that Labour would ever do a deal with UKIP; they are an anathema to everything Labour stands for.

  5. Rallan says:

    Well, what fun!

    The country has utter contempt for the mainstream parties, not least the Labour Party, and basically doesn’t want any of you. At all. It’s clear that the overall majority of people think Labour is incompetent, Miliband is a prat, Balls is an idiot. It’s also clear that they don’t want another coalition, they don’t think much of Cameron/Osborne either, and they don’t want the LibDems at all.

    And you imagine of how funny it’ll be as you squirm your way into power, most likely as a LibLab coalition of the unwanted dictating to an unwilling electorate.

    And, knowing all of this, you think it’d be a good thing. Galloway got it right (just once). LibLabCon are three cheeks of the same arse. And sooner or later, it’s going to get kicked.

  6. uglyfatbloke says:

    Swatantra…at Stirling there’s a Labour/tory council coalition; would UKIP really be all that different?

  7. swatantra says:

    In Germany there’s a Grand Coalition of CDU and SPD, so a Grand Coalition here would be an acceptable outcome. But a Labour – UKIP one, never. The difference is that the exclusion of immigrants and repatriation are the unspoken tenets of the UKIP creed.

  8. BenM says:

    Has anyone asked Rallan what it means if everyone hates Labour and Con (38% and 34% of the vote share respectively) what that means for the buffoons of UKIP (just 12% share)?

  9. swatantra says:

    Even exLabourexLabourUncutexSocialistnowTory Dan Hodges says: ‘UKIP is racist!’
    First coherent thing he’s said since leaving Labour.

  10. Rallan says:

    Hey BenM. You don’t want to get too confident about those polls, mate!

    UKIP has no traditional strongholds, no tribal support base, no big union/business backers and that has only really taken off in the last 3 years – and yet it’s already reaching a typical 18%~20% actual election result whenever it stands!

    It means that your rotting hollow old corpse of a weasel party is propped up by cynical bullshit, dodgy boundaries, dodgy postal votes and a dying tribal voting tradition.

    And hey, don’t forget the SNP! UKIP may be on the rise, but the SNP have already shown the way! They kicked your not long ago arse, remember?! They’re just another a symptom of general public loathing for your geriatric, corrupt, incompetent and nepotistic parties.

    I’m going to spend the next decade chuckling as I watch your support crumble away, just like it will for the Conservatives. You’re already giving membership away for basically nothing just to keep up the pretense of public support. One Nation my arse! None of the old parties deserve any kind of power. Your track record in government is appalling, and and I wouldn’t trust any of you to run a bath. You are a worthless disgrace.

  11. BenM says:

    Hey Rallan, Tory support is already crumbling away. That’s why they languish 9 points behind in today’s YouGov poll.

    As for UKIP – they are 29 points behind Labour.

    If we’re talking track records, well the UKIP track record in government at EU level is an unrivalled embarrassment to the country let alone to the voters who put them there.

  12. Rallan says:

    Pathetic. You can never bring yourself to defend the horrific track record of Labour governments, can you? Deflect, deny and lie!

    Having Labour in power ruins the economy, wrecks lives and damages the nation. Deep down most people know this and.are looking for alternatives because the Tories are also total crap.

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