Revealed: Secret ministerial transport memo

by Kevin Meagher

Labour Uncut can reveal the existence of a secret government contingency plan to transport ministers to meetings around Whitehall in the event of a fuel shortage.

Ministerial cars will be mothballed for the duration of any fuel strike in order to show “we’re all in this together”. Instead ministers who need them will shuttle between appointments across Whitehall by… sedan chair.

The novel idea, brainchild of Chancellor George Osborne, will see unemployed young people specially trained to carry ministers around. The ability to carry a sedan chair may also be used as a means of qualifying for DLA in a tightened ‘fitness to work’ test.

According to a leaked memo entitled: ‘Contingency Ministerial Transportation: Safari Old Ploy’, Ministers will be carried around as if they were on safari. “It is important” the memo says “that we do not give rise to the impression that ministers are behaving like Roman emperors.”

The original plan was for rickshaws, but Osborne vetoed this move, claiming they would need a road fund license. Also, it is believed the Chancellor in fact has his own sedan chair, which he is eager to use in public.

According to the memo, the use of Roman chariots was seriously considered, but deemed “too provocative” by government insiders.

Sedan chairs were widely used around London during the 17th and 18th centuries and deemed to be quicker at navigating the capital’s narrow lanes that cumbersome horse-drawn carriages.

A government spokesman said the chairs are “completely sustainable” as well as means “to put the oiks back to work”.

“It’s a way of showing in a very practical way that ministers are just like the general public” he said.

However another government source was less enthusiastic. “George was once described as looking like ‘a powdered French aristocrat’ now he’s proving he is one”.

Nevertheless, the memo says ministers will rely on sedan chairs to carry diplomats around London during the Olympics in the event of a Tube strike. Concerns about their lack of speed means that lashes will be supplied to passengers to use “as a last resort” if they need to motivate their drivers.

However not all ministers will qualify for a sedan chair. The memo confirms Communities Secretary Eric Pickles will be expected to conduct all meetings from his departmental office until the strike threat is lifted.

Kevin Meagher is associate editor of Labour Uncut

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3 Responses to “Revealed: Secret ministerial transport memo”

  1. Tris says:

    Ha ha… Happy April 1¬

    I’d have though Mr Cameron could have asked his friend for her horse…unless, of course, like Rupert, she is no longer friends with him.

  2. swatantra says:

    Great April Fool! Make that a double sedan for Pickles.
    Of course the jokes on Dave and his team who wanted to take out UNITE by getting the public to stockpile on petrol. True they caused a panic and one tragic incident but everyone soon realised they were playing with fire.
    Galloway also played a great April Fool on Bradford, or was it Blackburn?

  3. Kevin says:

    Bradford, Blackburn…Baghdad. He gets them all mixed up.

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