Uncut’s festive top ten for 2016

by Rob Marchant

In perhaps an early premonition of the 2020 election result, Labour Uncut regrets to announce that the truly terrible ‘JC for PM for me’ by Robb Johnson and the Corbynistas has not ultimately made the Xmas no. 1, nor apparently the top 100. However, we thought it fitting to note that there are still a number of other Christmas songs made popular over the years which perhaps fit even better with the party’s current zeitgeist. Here are our favourites for Labour’s top ten this Xmas:

  1. Mistletoe and Whine – The Corbynites
    Hot into the Top Ten, this festive tune respects the time-honoured, hard-left concept that it’s always someone else’s fault.
  1. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (But Not Any That Involve Russia, They’re Ok) – The Stop The War Singers
    At number 9, the Stoppers continue their age-old formula of nice-sounding tunes with a side order of staggering hypocrisy.
  1. S**te Christmas – The Labour Pollsters
    At number 8, fresh from their Xmas party, the party’s polling gurus reportedly recorded this in a Westminster pub: a poignant, whisky-fuelled counsel of despair at the party’s current polling being regularly in the twenties. And polling has also proved a popular theme, in at number 7:
  1. December Will Be Tragic (In The Polls) Again – Kate Bush
    Oh, why doesn’t she just go and join the Tories!
  1. Santa Corbs Is Coming To Town – The Cultists
    Yes, he’s making a list, he’s checking it twice. He’s going to give everyone exactly what they want from a Christmas list of ten impossibly vaguely-described presents known as “pledges”. Read ‘em and weep.
  1. Stop The Cavalry (And Start The Hand-Wringing) – Syria’s Fair-Weather Friends
    In this season of goodwill to all, a wonderful, irony-free message of “if only something could be done” about the world’s biggest refugee crisis, recorded by the very people whose actions have helped make that impossible.
  1. I Believe In Father Xmas (In Fact, He’s My Party Leader) – The Momentum Chorus
    And at number 4, our friends at Momentum really know how to do suspension of disbelief, don’t they? Whether it’s denial of entryism, denial of anti-Semitism or the impossibility of winning a general election from here. Literally blinding.
  1. Fairytale of New Economics – The Rogues ft Johnny McDonnell
    A beautiful Christmas duet about how Labour’s pledges will be paid for by the universal money tree. Gut-wrenching.
  1. Not Tonight Santa – The Great British Public
    At number 2: fast-forward to 2020, and the public delivers its verdict on the man with the beard.
  1. Do They Know It’s Not 1984? – The Moderates
    And finally, the Christmas number 1! In an echo of the celebrated single by Band Aid, a number of well-known political faces get together for another charity single, this time to try and save the life of a party in danger of vote-starvation this Christmas. Heart-rending.

Rob Marchant is an activist and former Labour party manager who blogs at The Centre Left

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3 Responses to “Uncut’s festive top ten for 2016”

  1. AnnoyingMess says:

    Yep, the old Christmas Song meme – how about a ‘progressive’ one. Bombing around the Christmas Tree, Little (war) Drummer Boy, Happy Christmas, War is (never) Over; Away in a Bunker, Children Roasting on an Open Fire.

    Rob sits at his computer pouring out his disdain for one who dislikes war – for all Corbyn’s faults, he at least recognises that the people of the UK don’t wish to be pursuing any more foreign adventures.

    I suggest, as Rob seems unable to shake off his agitated sense of hopelessness, that he don his white helmet and put himself in the midst of the chaos that he and his buddy Blair helped create.

  2. Alf says:

    The 10 Pledges look great to me. It’s the Tory-lite wing of the party which doesn’t have any policy ideas. That’s why we lost in 2010 and 2020. Ed Balls even lost his seat!

  3. NickT says:

    The ten pledges are so vague as to be completely meaningless. There’s no credible plan for achieving any of them, no costing, nothing to make them more than empty slogans. These aren’t policy ideas, they are policy fantasies. When offered by the ludicrous Corbyn team of chancers, babblers, Stalinists and Trump wannabes, they look like a five year old’s Christmas wish list scribbled out in a hurry on Christmas Eve.

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